My Crazy Self

The moon must have the darkened sky to light the world below.
I must have the truth of love,
In action and in show.
When you are far away from me, my heart is saddened deep.
When you are near I look at you and the truth of love I see.
I miss the way you smile at me and the sparkle in your eyes.
I miss the way you make me laugh and rarely make me cry.
I miss the way you dry my tears and kiss the hurt away. I miss the way you love me in every word you say.
When I am sad and lonely
I miss your tender touch.
The way I feel inside your arms, sometimes is just too much.
I hope my actions and my words leave little room for doubt.
I want to give as I receive, its something I can't do without.
So if you look into my eyes and love is what you see.
Its a reflection of yourself and the love you give to me.

Emotions

When I Look into your eyes
or hear the words you speak
When I see the sparkle as you smile
or the swiftness in your feet
It isn't what you do or say
but the hope I feel around you
You make me believe my heart is safe
and harm you'll never do
It's the hunger deep inside my soul
It's the passion that I feel
Its the contentment that you bring to me
The emotion is quite real
I don't hope for tomorrow
I can only view today
I know my heart will surely break
If you leave to go away
Everything happens on purpose
There's a reason for everything
it's hard to hope for a rainbow
when the sunshine is covered by rain
I know you make me laugh
when I really want to cry
I know you give me hope
when I don't remember how to try
It really doesn't matter
The beginning or the end
I know that I am thankful
that you allow me to be your friend.

Trace

Just cant hide

I wear my heart upon my sleeve
That's something I can't Change
Onlookers see inside my soul
I wish it weren't this way

I feel compassion and I feel pain
I can not hide the truth
I try to mask the way I feel
but the feelings shine right through

Id like to look into your eyes
and smile instead of cry
why is it I can't turn it off
when your lips whisper goodbye

I think of how I feel inside
is it safe to let you know
will I be protecting you or me
when I try not to let it show

Loving you wholeheartedly
and feeling so alone
I think about you often
wait to hear you phone

I wonder what would life be like
For you or also for me
would it be better would it be worse
Why wont my mind let it be?

I love you for eternity
Yoy own a space within my soul
Your love gives me meaning
Your pressance makes me whole.

It started at a Funeral

I spent a few hours with my niece and Sister in law. I giggle a little because legally, My sister in law is not my sister in law and my niece is not my niece. Why, do most people think if you Divorce a man or woman, the relationships and feelings you have developed over the years change? Like all of the sudden, I no longer have memories of weddings, births, deaths or parties. All of the sudden, you lose an entire part of your life.

When my Mother in law died, I reached out to comfort my niece because I still viewed her as my niece and this was her Grandmother so obviously she had feelings. At that point, we exchanged phone numbers and Facebook information. Our relationship has grown in to more than it was even when the marriage itself was going strong. Death and Facebook actually created the doorway for us to walk into a brand new relationship.

Today I had lunch with these two very lovely women and we enjoyed just talking about life. This family tends to believe if you get together without them, you without a doubt must be slinging dirt but we didn't. No need to. It is a special day for a special girl and that my friends is where our focus was.

I really am so blessed to have a niece that wants to continue considering me her Aunt but also that loves and respects my life, my choices, we talk... She and I share a common bond and I understand so many things better than perhaps any other member of the Aunt Hood because I have lived it, they have not. Anyway, She is a special girl and today was a special day. Oh and my sister in law and I have had the very first meeting, making us Charter members of The Martin era FIRST WIVES CLUB!

Happy Birthday to My Niece and may she be blessed Many times over...

A Final Goodbye

I went to the wake or viewing last evening and funeral service today to pay final respects to my brother in law. My soon to be ex husbands, sisters, husband. Last night some talk was going through the room about who should or should not be there. I believe in paying last respects, that should not even come up but thats me.

The service was really lovely, very sad but lovely. The room was full of emotion and although their world is falling apart, God is helping his family stay strong. I think of David and words that come to mind are Strong, encouraging, loyal and committed. He was the epitome of strength.

We all went to Six Flags one time and my daughter was afraid of the Roller Coaster. David insisted, FACE YOUR FEAR and she did. She was so excited that she did it and it was Davids encouragement that helped her find the strength.

One time David was talking to me about his brother getting out of prison. He said, We gotta give them a chance when they get back home. He was a giver. He believed in Family. He always came to aid my Mother in Law no matter how many times or ways she made it difficult. He stood up and fought for what was right.

One day we all went to a local cafeteria that did Karaoke. David was encouraged to get up there, Donny picked a song as I recall sung by a female about being a female, David faced it, he was awful and he knew it but he did it and we all laughed. Thats who David was. He faced whatever lie in front of him with a smile. He had no fear to big, ever.

It was a wonderful sendoff for a wonderful man, May God continue to be with the family as they search for a new normal.

Mixed Emotions on Fathers Day

From my dad I learned not to spend time with your children, to lie to them, to neglect them, to abandon them, that there is always something more important than them. Sometimes that more important thing is in liquid form. My dad has demons, he has as Long as I can remember. I can't sweep his actions under the rug because he looks for comfort in the bottom of a bottle. I Learned how to make plans and not show up nor call to tell them plans have changed. I Learned how not to say a simple I LOVE YOU when your child says it anticipating hearing it repeated. I Learned how to be so self absorbed in my own pain, I couldn't see the pain I was inflicting on others. I Learned how to be mean and cruel, Judgmental and obnoxiously annoying.. I Learned how to be of the mindset that MINE IS THE ONLY OPINION THAT COUNTS. I learned to inflict a strong loss of self worth to my children. KUDOS DADDY, You own the title of FATHER and it is the most undeserved gift you have ever been given, and you never even realized it...

From My Mom I learned.. Your children are a blessing to be appreciated, help them at your own expense, give and give and give some more. FROM MY MOM I LEARNED EVERY SELFLESS ATTRIBUTE I have ever possessed. From my mom and her mom and Dad my aunts and uncles and cousins I learned FAMILY means pulling together always but especially in times of need. When I see something so opposite of this it is foreign to me. I can not relate nor understand FAMILIES that are so self absorbed they can't help one another, especially in great times of need. I have been called a do gooder many times in my life. Thats what I learned, Thats what I am, Thats what God wants me to be. I will not apologize for trying to follow the example Christ set.

I am blessed to have Family, all kinds that I can go to when Im happy or sad and receive love and compassion and NEVER judgement. My family is the best example I can follow and my uncles and my Grandfather filled the Paternal Role of Father and Still continue doing so. It saddens me greatly to go to the store to get a Fathers day card and they all say things about a dad that was always there, he wasnt. He knows it, I know it, why pretend? I have just stopped even trying. What I want from him, he will never give me. He is not capable of loving anyone, more than himself.

Having him as a father, created in me an extreme low self worth, If I had been prettier, smarter, better, he would have loved me. I failed to achieve what every child should have without begging for it. He wasnt there, never will be, His acceptance or appreciation does not determine my worth. My heart will forever be broken because of his actions. I was born to an emotionally unavailable Man who didnt appreciate nor respect me. I married an emotionally unavailable man who loved me but was not available and was oblivious as to how to nurture. Maybe I just had too much baggage from the get go. At any rate, the cycle continued.

I have found in my adult years, my friendships especially with males are very important. If I choose Male friends that are not sincere, my NEED to be loved could certainly be taken advantage of. MEN do not realize the damage they do to their daughters. I choose my friendships carefully. Both male and female and I do believe men and women can have friendships that begin and stay platonic. One person can not provide you everything you need. I have different friends for different activities.

God has been extremely good to me, I have some of the best friends in the world and I know at any given moment if I needed help I would have a line willing to assist me. Its been proven time and time again. I separated from Donny almost four years ago. If it were not for all of my close friends, I would have probably ended up in a hospital somewhere. God is good and the Angels in form of friends and family are truly priceless.

My son Brandon makes me very proud. He is determined to be a better dad than his and he is excellent. His boys love and miss him terribly. Together with his wife, they make my grandchildren safe, secure and happy. I cant ask for more.



Happy Fathers day MOMMY - You pulled double duty in an absent dad and I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

Its never easy to say goodbye

I received word this morning that my brother in law passed away. I am heart broken. Im sad that his life was cut short. Im sad for all the events his family will face without him. Im sad for his families sadness yet knowing how much pain they are in, I can not do anything to help them. Life just makes me sad today.

We were never incredibly close but I still loved him, laughed at some of the silly pranks he would pull, enjoy so many memories that he is a part of. I pray for his family to find the strength to continue on. I pray for his wife to find love and encouragement all around her as she faces so many uncertain times ahead of her.

I don't really know how to process my feelings. All I can do is pray for God who does have control to bring about peace and comfort to this family who is going to feel so very lost. Life is never easy and death, especially of someone so young, is devastating.

I keep hearing that song "Go Rest High On That Mountain" And realize, the words are so fitting to David. He was a remarkable Man and he fought a long hard battle against Cancer. The power behind his fight, speaks volumes about his love and dedication to his family. He did everything he could to provide a good life, loving home and secure environment for his wife, children and grandchildren. The angels gained a keeper today and he will be terribly missed.

Today Im just sad. Today, I wish I could mend the numerous broken hearts with a condolence card, a phone call or even a hug. In times like these, I realize I have no power, But GOD does and there are no tears in Heaven. There are no sorrows. David is pain free and he will be preparing for his family to come into Gods house in the future.

I believe he is going to be the Guardian Angel that will guide and protect those he loves. Maybe not now, but one day I pray his family feels his presence and is comforted by it. Today is just a very sad day..

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Instrumental

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Tag: Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son