Emotions

When I Look into your eyes
or hear the words you speak
When I see the sparkle as you smile
or the swiftness in your feet
It isn't what you do or say
but the hope I feel around you
You make me believe my heart is safe
and harm you'll never do
It's the hunger deep inside my soul
It's the passion that I feel
Its the contentment that you bring to me
The emotion is quite real
I don't hope for tomorrow
I can only view today
I know my heart will surely break
If you leave to go away
Everything happens on purpose
There's a reason for everything
it's hard to hope for a rainbow
when the sunshine is covered by rain
I know you make me laugh
when I really want to cry
I know you give me hope
when I don't remember how to try
It really doesn't matter
The beginning or the end
I know that I am thankful
that you allow me to be your friend.

Trace

Just cant hide

I wear my heart upon my sleeve
That's something I can't Change
Onlookers see inside my soul
I wish it weren't this way

I feel compassion and I feel pain
I can not hide the truth
I try to mask the way I feel
but the feelings shine right through

Id like to look into your eyes
and smile instead of cry
why is it I can't turn it off
when your lips whisper goodbye

I think of how I feel inside
is it safe to let you know
will I be protecting you or me
when I try not to let it show

Loving you wholeheartedly
and feeling so alone
I think about you often
wait to hear you phone

I wonder what would life be like
For you or also for me
would it be better would it be worse
Why wont my mind let it be?

I love you for eternity
Yoy own a space within my soul
Your love gives me meaning
Your pressance makes me whole.

It started at a Funeral

I spent a few hours with my niece and Sister in law. I giggle a little because legally, My sister in law is not my sister in law and my niece is not my niece. Why, do most people think if you Divorce a man or woman, the relationships and feelings you have developed over the years change? Like all of the sudden, I no longer have memories of weddings, births, deaths or parties. All of the sudden, you lose an entire part of your life.

When my Mother in law died, I reached out to comfort my niece because I still viewed her as my niece and this was her Grandmother so obviously she had feelings. At that point, we exchanged phone numbers and Facebook information. Our relationship has grown in to more than it was even when the marriage itself was going strong. Death and Facebook actually created the doorway for us to walk into a brand new relationship.

Today I had lunch with these two very lovely women and we enjoyed just talking about life. This family tends to believe if you get together without them, you without a doubt must be slinging dirt but we didn't. No need to. It is a special day for a special girl and that my friends is where our focus was.

I really am so blessed to have a niece that wants to continue considering me her Aunt but also that loves and respects my life, my choices, we talk... She and I share a common bond and I understand so many things better than perhaps any other member of the Aunt Hood because I have lived it, they have not. Anyway, She is a special girl and today was a special day. Oh and my sister in law and I have had the very first meeting, making us Charter members of The Martin era FIRST WIVES CLUB!

Happy Birthday to My Niece and may she be blessed Many times over...

A Final Goodbye

I went to the wake or viewing last evening and funeral service today to pay final respects to my brother in law. My soon to be ex husbands, sisters, husband. Last night some talk was going through the room about who should or should not be there. I believe in paying last respects, that should not even come up but thats me.

The service was really lovely, very sad but lovely. The room was full of emotion and although their world is falling apart, God is helping his family stay strong. I think of David and words that come to mind are Strong, encouraging, loyal and committed. He was the epitome of strength.

We all went to Six Flags one time and my daughter was afraid of the Roller Coaster. David insisted, FACE YOUR FEAR and she did. She was so excited that she did it and it was Davids encouragement that helped her find the strength.

One time David was talking to me about his brother getting out of prison. He said, We gotta give them a chance when they get back home. He was a giver. He believed in Family. He always came to aid my Mother in Law no matter how many times or ways she made it difficult. He stood up and fought for what was right.

One day we all went to a local cafeteria that did Karaoke. David was encouraged to get up there, Donny picked a song as I recall sung by a female about being a female, David faced it, he was awful and he knew it but he did it and we all laughed. Thats who David was. He faced whatever lie in front of him with a smile. He had no fear to big, ever.

It was a wonderful sendoff for a wonderful man, May God continue to be with the family as they search for a new normal.

Mixed Emotions on Fathers Day

From my dad I learned not to spend time with your children, to lie to them, to neglect them, to abandon them, that there is always something more important than them. Sometimes that more important thing is in liquid form. My dad has demons, he has as Long as I can remember. I can't sweep his actions under the rug because he looks for comfort in the bottom of a bottle. I Learned how to make plans and not show up nor call to tell them plans have changed. I Learned how not to say a simple I LOVE YOU when your child says it anticipating hearing it repeated. I Learned how to be so self absorbed in my own pain, I couldn't see the pain I was inflicting on others. I Learned how to be mean and cruel, Judgmental and obnoxiously annoying.. I Learned how to be of the mindset that MINE IS THE ONLY OPINION THAT COUNTS. I learned to inflict a strong loss of self worth to my children. KUDOS DADDY, You own the title of FATHER and it is the most undeserved gift you have ever been given, and you never even realized it...

From My Mom I learned.. Your children are a blessing to be appreciated, help them at your own expense, give and give and give some more. FROM MY MOM I LEARNED EVERY SELFLESS ATTRIBUTE I have ever possessed. From my mom and her mom and Dad my aunts and uncles and cousins I learned FAMILY means pulling together always but especially in times of need. When I see something so opposite of this it is foreign to me. I can not relate nor understand FAMILIES that are so self absorbed they can't help one another, especially in great times of need. I have been called a do gooder many times in my life. Thats what I learned, Thats what I am, Thats what God wants me to be. I will not apologize for trying to follow the example Christ set.

I am blessed to have Family, all kinds that I can go to when Im happy or sad and receive love and compassion and NEVER judgement. My family is the best example I can follow and my uncles and my Grandfather filled the Paternal Role of Father and Still continue doing so. It saddens me greatly to go to the store to get a Fathers day card and they all say things about a dad that was always there, he wasnt. He knows it, I know it, why pretend? I have just stopped even trying. What I want from him, he will never give me. He is not capable of loving anyone, more than himself.

Having him as a father, created in me an extreme low self worth, If I had been prettier, smarter, better, he would have loved me. I failed to achieve what every child should have without begging for it. He wasnt there, never will be, His acceptance or appreciation does not determine my worth. My heart will forever be broken because of his actions. I was born to an emotionally unavailable Man who didnt appreciate nor respect me. I married an emotionally unavailable man who loved me but was not available and was oblivious as to how to nurture. Maybe I just had too much baggage from the get go. At any rate, the cycle continued.

I have found in my adult years, my friendships especially with males are very important. If I choose Male friends that are not sincere, my NEED to be loved could certainly be taken advantage of. MEN do not realize the damage they do to their daughters. I choose my friendships carefully. Both male and female and I do believe men and women can have friendships that begin and stay platonic. One person can not provide you everything you need. I have different friends for different activities.

God has been extremely good to me, I have some of the best friends in the world and I know at any given moment if I needed help I would have a line willing to assist me. Its been proven time and time again. I separated from Donny almost four years ago. If it were not for all of my close friends, I would have probably ended up in a hospital somewhere. God is good and the Angels in form of friends and family are truly priceless.

My son Brandon makes me very proud. He is determined to be a better dad than his and he is excellent. His boys love and miss him terribly. Together with his wife, they make my grandchildren safe, secure and happy. I cant ask for more.



Happy Fathers day MOMMY - You pulled double duty in an absent dad and I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

Its never easy to say goodbye

I received word this morning that my brother in law passed away. I am heart broken. Im sad that his life was cut short. Im sad for all the events his family will face without him. Im sad for his families sadness yet knowing how much pain they are in, I can not do anything to help them. Life just makes me sad today.

We were never incredibly close but I still loved him, laughed at some of the silly pranks he would pull, enjoy so many memories that he is a part of. I pray for his family to find the strength to continue on. I pray for his wife to find love and encouragement all around her as she faces so many uncertain times ahead of her.

I don't really know how to process my feelings. All I can do is pray for God who does have control to bring about peace and comfort to this family who is going to feel so very lost. Life is never easy and death, especially of someone so young, is devastating.

I keep hearing that song "Go Rest High On That Mountain" And realize, the words are so fitting to David. He was a remarkable Man and he fought a long hard battle against Cancer. The power behind his fight, speaks volumes about his love and dedication to his family. He did everything he could to provide a good life, loving home and secure environment for his wife, children and grandchildren. The angels gained a keeper today and he will be terribly missed.

Today Im just sad. Today, I wish I could mend the numerous broken hearts with a condolence card, a phone call or even a hug. In times like these, I realize I have no power, But GOD does and there are no tears in Heaven. There are no sorrows. David is pain free and he will be preparing for his family to come into Gods house in the future.

I believe he is going to be the Guardian Angel that will guide and protect those he loves. Maybe not now, but one day I pray his family feels his presence and is comforted by it. Today is just a very sad day..

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Instrumental

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Tag: Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Diary of a Broken Heart

I wait patiently daily for a phone call from my child. You know, the one on a "state sponsored vacation". Evidently, they have been on lockdown. I was certain God was trying to increase my patience. I have been Yelling, "Hey, I Get It, now can you prompt him to call?" I called and was told lockdown should be lifted today. I Hope So. He Called Me, God heard my plea. Thank You Jesus!!

I worry about my Navy Son. Both my boys are on very different "Government Sponsored Vacations". Both, away from their families and both very missed. I keep up with him through his and his wifes Facebook Pages. Its silly, long ago it was phone calls. Now, cyber Stalking and texting is a mothers tool lol. I have tried so hard to be a different Mother In Law then I had. There were always so many hurts and disappointments. I never wanted to be and have tried hard not to be THAT MOTHER IN LAW.

Meaghan is enjoying her job. if she works all day she will complain about being tired or her feet hurting but truly seldom complains. I will say Meaghan, think of how long and how hard we prayed for you to find a job. Think of how many people out there want and need a job. She smiles and says "Your Right". Thats a "The Torch has been passed moment". When I was little my mom, sister and I lived with my grams and grandaddy. Sunday mornings if I didnt feel well enough to make it to church Grams would say "I bet Jesus didnt feel like hanging on that cross either but he did". Everything is a matter of perspective.

Friday I started Water Aerobics at 24 hour fitness. I was in pain before, dying after but in a good way. My body didnt know the water was supposed to be easier. I guess, it didnt read the fine print lol. Ive decided I am going to attempt Water Aerobics M W and F and spinning class T and Th. I remember hearing Carrie on King of Queens refer to Spinning Class and never knew it was cycling lol. Anyway, gained weight from inappropriate eating and medication. Went through too much grief to lose it just to gain it back. I am a work in progress. I found a ultra neat cool Application on  Android called Noom Weight Loss. I can track Food, Calories, Water, Excercise and of course, WEIGHT. Very Cool Smart Phone, Very Cool.

My laptop wireless card I think got dislodged when I and the laptop took a tumble. I hope it gets fixed soon. In the mean time, my boredom has offered some interesting application choices. I have one called Talking ___________ different characters. I talk to them when I am bored. They simply repeat what I say but I then have someone to argue with haha.

Monday Morning My Navy Moms group worked at the Ballpark for the American Heroes Race. We met at IHOP at 5 am to start the day off. It was great fun, the race had many many people and it was a great experience. This poor guy hollered at me to throw water on him, me - right in face *GRIN*. next guy was smart enough to say where to toss the water lol. I went home to lie down as I hadnt slept Sunday night. I was supposed to be at my sister friend Melody and Brother Friend Jims later that after noon but... No money, no gas and tired body didnt allow for the trip unfortunately.

Anyway, Jo Ann called and asked me to come to her house for swimming and food, and ALWAYS laughter. I did. This group is Diverse but so very fun. Every once in a while someone will zing ya and ya never saw it coming. I am now that person that is a friend of a friend and who says "FACEBOOK ME" lol. A little (or Alot) of Wine and Jello Shots, Mad Libs, quirky but right on time Wit creates a fun day all the way around. I will share 10 things I learned Yesterday.

1> The relationship between a Grandmother, Daughter and Grandaughter is enough to make you SHOOT MORE JELLO! I mean, cant we all just get along?? lol

2> Although I have lived 43 years without shooting Jello Shots, I was reprimanded for shooting too slow and NO ONE would show me the correct process. I am no longer a Jello Shot Virgin *GRIN*

3> When discussing with this group your plans for a possible Joint Career Venture - Don't let them name the company - DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER

4> When Introducing the new Boyfriend to your family, if the extended family is there, WARN HIM TO STAY AWAY or Prepare him for the encounter *GRIN* Poor Guy, he was a trooper Rachael

5> Do Not Fall Asleep, They will take and Post pictures of you without hesitation

6> If you have had a bit too much to drink, and someone hands you more, You must be making a BIG FUNNY FOOL of yourself and there will probably be video proof to blackmail you with.

7> Life is too very short not to laugh. Laughter releases Endorphines, Endorphines fight pain, LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.

8>I Learned what a weanis <SP?> is

9> The word Fart comes up often

10> Family, It truly is the people you place in your life, not the people whose lives you are placed within.

My Brother in law is in a terrible battle. He has cancer, has had off and on for many years. I feel so bad for the whole family yet I am powerless. Well, thats not true. I am not powerless, I have the power of prayer. I use that power. I ask for Gods will, for peace, comfort, etc.. I pray for healing as I have many times. It dawned on me that God has healed him everytime I asked. I look at "UNANSWERED PRAYERS". I think about his daughter looking for a job, the prayers not being answered but you know, If she had a job when her daddy got so ill, she wouldnt be able to be there for her daddy or her mama. All our prayers are answered. David has been healed many times before. I pray this will be no exception and he again will be healed. I do have faith, believe and understand Gods hand is now and has always been part of this situation. Gods timing, not our own. We really have to value each moment we have, not mourn for the time we don't. Easier said than done..

I filed for Divorce May 5th 2011. 61 days later I go to finalize it. Mid July it should be done. Sometimes though I wonder, Will it ever be done, really? Im having such a hard time Walking away and not caring about him. I dont know if I can walk away without caring as long as Im alive. One of my many flaws. I want to, dont know how. We seperated In 2008. We have tried a couple of times in the last several years to make it work. It doesnt. We drifted apart. Things were said and done that can not be undone. There was a fork in the road, he went left and I went right. Nobody is the bad guy. We both hurt but its done.

Divorce will be final Mid July. Yes, I go out and enjoy life. No, Im not mourning my marriage being over because in reality, it never was the loving relationship I thought Marriage should be. Ive been prepared for years for living alone because I felt I was a single parent of four, not three. Even when I became so ill, that didnt change. Life is just to short, Really it is. Just because you see or hear anger, doesnt mean my heart isnt broken, doesnt me Im not feeling like a failure. It just means, the Oxygen mask fell from the top and I had to use it for me to be able to help anyone else. I cant and wont apologize for that.

I try to reach out and feel the swift hand of rejection. I back up and stop extending myself and people say ugly things. Im not sure there is a middle ground. Im just not sure. When I was in school I was always on the outside looking in. I never felt like I belonged or fit in. Now, and it took many years, I do fit in. I have people who care, I MATTER. I like that saying, Be yourself, those who matter dont mind, those who mind dont matter. Facebook is me, what you see is what you get. Im too open, too silly, too sensitive, too emotional but that makes me ME. nobody can duplicate me, im too strange. I have a handfull of friends I would trust with my life, with my secrets, with my flaws and KNOW I will never be judged or laughed at.

These special (TERM USED LIGHTLY, lol) People might laugh with me but never at me and if you hurt me, you have an unbelieveable Posse (SP?) on your tail. Thats how we roll. I believe your closest friend could in fact be someone you have never met. You can fall in love, bond, share hopes, dreams and goals with someone inside your computer and that is the age we live in. If my heart is broken, someone, somewhere out there will reach out. That is love and friendship. Caring, and carrying another soul when they don't feel the strength to carry themselves.

Reba Mcentire sings a song called FOR MY BROKEN HEART. The song is about a Divorce or breakup. The lyrics say..

Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep

Then I cried myself to sleep

So sure life wouldn't go on without you

But oh this sun is blinding me

As it wakes me from the dark

I guess the world didn't stop

For my broken heart

I think of when I was in the hospital, when Donny was in the Hospital, when my children have had illnesses. My fear crippled me and everyone around me was just living their life. HOW COULD THEYcare so little when my world was falling apart? I know that feeling, I understand that anger. Everyone has their own crosses to bare. We all have our own challenges. If the world stopped everytime someone had something wrong, we would cease to live. Not Falling apart with me, doesnt mean they werent falling apart for me. Not showing their support for me, the way I would offer support, doesnt mean they didnt care. It Really is All a matter of perspective.

I think we each go through struggles, so that experience can help us help others in the future. Who better to understand a Survivors guilt than a survivor? Who better to understand the abandonment a child of Divorce feels, than a child of divorce? Who better to show that there is light at the end of the tunnel than someone who was on that train when it stopped for so long and seemed as if the light would never shine through - But it did....

Maybe I am very simple minded. I love strongly, deeply, compassionately and forever. I am typically not the one that walks away but the one left crying wondering What I did Wrong? I have issues, Im not perfect, I laugh and Joke many times because I simply want to cry. Im lonely, Im sad, I miss having the feeling that I matter and my feelings matter, I miss being loved. I miss my idealistic view of love. Thats what its like in the movies, WHAT HAPPENED? My girlfriend and her husband share so many of the same interests. They can enjoy watching TV Together, I miss that terribly. I miss snuggling, cuddling, being with your best friend everyday, every night. It is a true gift. If you have it, hold onto it. It can change before you realize what happened.

Lately I am faced with a situation of Every Time I try to help my husband pull his life together without me, he pulls me down. I am to blame, I keep giving, he keeps taking. I remember when My son was digging himself into legal trouble telling him, Eventually, you are going to create enough trouble that I can not fix or get you out of. He did! I couldn't fix it, it broke and breaks my heart but it is impossible to help someone who will not help themselves and in trying, you will be brutally beaten down. What is it with me? What I know in my head, my heart won't listen. I would love to be able to walk away and stop caring. I can't.

I'm FORTY - THREE - 43, I have chronic pain and fatigue, I am tired, ALL THE TIME. I am too old, and not in well health. I can not and will not live the rest of my life raising a grown man. I'm not your mother, I don't want the job. When faced with saving me or you, I chose me. I have raised my children. I loved my family as best I knew how. Maybe I was never the best mom but I did everything to protect and love my family. I can not save anyone, when they will not take initiative to make wise choices and save themselves. I'm reminded of the saying.. Give a man fish he eats for a day, Teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime. My daily chores are done, finished, over. Its time for you to learn to take care of yourself. Nobody is in line waiting to take over - I assure you...

In the mean time.. I enjoy those I love. I have such good friends and they all look out for me. Those that I Love that live so far North our time together is limited but when we work our schedules out we enjoy the time together. He taught me to shoot a gun, HOW AWESOME IS THAT? Please Note, he taught me to Aim, and Shoot, not hit although I did well last time at hitting lol. God has blessed me. How can I ask for more than I have? I have so much. I have struggles but life is good. I am PURRFECTLY Un-PERFECT and thats okay. He's Still Working On Me..

Don't be alarmed

I could be ugly or I could be nice but either way, this is a test